Just in case you weren’t in a deep coma after Amberly’s performance last week, CTV’s ready to bury Canada (and itself) six feet under the ground, as it’s Top 8 acoustic night. While the instruments are unplugged tonight, Ben hasn’t unplugged the machine that produces grease for his hair. Ben tells us this week is CRUCIAL, as opposed to Top 9 week, which is for losers, and Top 7 week, which is for weaklings. Jake says tonight is a chance for our Idols to show their vulnerabilities, of which they have so, so many. Sass says we get to see the Idols naked, but not Theo, please. And Zack doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself (and VFTW!) as when asked about tonight’s theme he talks about how he’s dressed as a disco ball. Mr. Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, is the mentor tonight, ready to prove he can suck as much acoustic as he did electric.

Someone unfortunately didn’t take Farley’s advice from last week as Sebastian Pigott’s still in the music business and up first. Gavin tells Sebastian he needs to feel more pain. May I suggest listening back to his performances from the past two weeks. Sebastian’s doing Lucille and he’s feeling the pain alright, singing like he’s squeezing Rosie O’Donnell dressed in a spider suit out of his butt. But I have to give props where they’re due; I’ve been keeping track every week as Sebastian continues to extend the record for longest time on an Idol show without getting a single note right, but he finally gets one right tonight…unfortunately, it’s only when he plays harmonica. Farley welcomes Sebastian back to the music business, after last week banishing him to performing at weddings and pizza restaurant openings with Martin Kerr. But new Worster Zack understands that VFTW has far larger cod to fry and tells Sebastian with a bit of luck, you can go home tomorrow night and we can move onto finding the next Canadian Idol.

Carly Rae Jepson’s in the audience, last year’s third place finisher (but first place for most weight gained). And cutie Carly’s still working her magic as I’m starting to get that special feeling down there. But now it’s time to get that special VFTW feeling down there as Earl Stevenson’s next! Gavin says that being a technically good singer is one thing, and being Earl is another. Earl proved last week that he’s not a joke and is a real contender on this show. Well, he is a joke, but he’s still a contender! Earl’s doing his thing, but what will never be his thing is talking…

Sass: (with orgasmic glee) Sooooooo good!

Earl: Uhhhhhhh…

Farley: Uhhhhhh…

Earl….Uhhhhh…

Zack: You’re the soundtrack of my life………

Earl: Uhhhhhhhh…

Jake: I’m a gutless moron…

Earl: You make quite the point there.

VFTW choice Mark Day is next and CTV is tired of being the laughing stock of the World so they’ve screwed Mark with tonight’s Dance-proof theme. And if cat is the opposite of dog, Gavin believes that the opposite of jaded is a gay Newfie chubby Grape as he says that Mark is anything but. Mark tells us that Gavin gave him great advice, and we can only hope that it was to shake his cod cheeks till he drops. But the ramifications of Mark’s Dancing In The Streets are still being felt as once again Mark has to do a song that can’t feature his incredible dancing and shaking cheeks, enabling him just to show his crappy, feminine singing. Zack says Mark won’t be on his CD player, but neither will any of the contestants who’ve ever been on this karaoke craptacular. Besides, Zack will be too busy reading votefortheworst, as he gives us maybe the most flagrant shout-out an Idol judge has ever given us as he tells Mark Isn’t that better than being a Giant Grape or Cod Cheeks! VFTW Victory! CTV may think they’re getting the best of VFTW as they keep Dance-proofing the show for Mark, but they’re only (further) killing themselves, just like when American Idol cut Sanjaya. You want to see your ratings go up CTV, remember these three simple words…Let Mark Dance!

As we’ve seen week-after-week, following Mark Day is a hopeless task so you might as well throw some hopeless whiney bitch in there whose fans so are drunk it wouldn’t matter if he sang like a swine with it’s nuts caught in a door, someone like Mitch Macdonald. Gavin tells Mitch he should lock his eyes on someone special to sing to, and that someone special for Mitch is the camera, as he gives us a fame-whore eye-switching from camera to camera routine usually reserved for the more pathetic American and foreign contestants. And if cameras could talk, they’d tell Mitch he’s a whiney bitch. And if cameras had legs, they would’ve jumped out the window long ago when they saw Martin Kerr’s face.

And now to quote (more or less) tonight’s mentor Finally, some vagina! as Amberly Thiessen’s next, who’s BY FAR the best girl left on the show. Oh yeah, she’s the only girl left on the show, as Amberly can now get all the fill of sausage over the next couple of months she’d ever want from the remaining contestants, judges, mentors, stylists, producers, and pretty much the rest of the damn country before all’s said and done. Amberly knows she’s getting hammered for putting an entire nation into a coma so she’s changing it up…instead of being a boring, one-dimensional singer with a guitar, tonight she’s a boring, one-dimensional singer without a guitar. She’s doing The Way I Am and that way is exceptionally lame as she’s singing about a sweater. But Zack’s ready to inject the excitement big-time as he gives his next shout-out to VFTW by saying There are a certain group of viewers who hate us for pimping you, and Zack demonstrates what he means by basically bending over for Amberly and telling her Do as you wish.

And now it’s time to be very careful as we earlier had a big puff of weed with Earl, it’s now time to down a 24 with Mookie Morris. Gavin says Mookie is a rough diamond, but this diamond needs about another million years of development and extreme pressure 20 miles under the ground, either that or 30 minutes up Jake’s ass. Mookie’s doing Ophelia by The Band and Gavin wants Mookie to show his full range and Mookie’s doing so as he’s now screaming in the low register along with the medium and high ones. And if nothing else, CI6 will once and for all put to rest the argument as to whether pot or alcohol is more destructive to the brain…

Sass: Your name is MOOOOOOOO (like Vanessa Kalala)

Mookie: Uhhhhhh…

Farley: Uhhhhhhh…

Mookie: Uhhhhhhh…

Zack: Toronto should be embarrassed if you don’t make it through, almost as ashamed as they are for their joke of a hockey team…

Mookie: Uhhhhhhhh…

Jake: I’m a gutless moron…

Mookie: You make quite the point there.

This show’s getting terribly boring and it would take about ten atomic bombs going off to wake me up right now, either that or a segment with Jully Black. She's asking Wazzup, Ben-dizzle? She’s interviewing Theo tonight…

Jully: Wha’ fizzle ma wizzle?

Theo: Huh?

Jully: Let me tell you girlfriend, the hair is Ummm-Hmmm. YOWSER! Back to Ben-dizzle…

Theo: What the fuck are you talking about?

And now from Jully’s extreme urban-hipness to the whitest of the white toast, Drew Wright. He’s doing Sunday Morning by Moron 5 and Gavin tells him to stop ripping off the original and do a more individualistic karaoke version instead. And VFTW’s gotten completely into Drew’s head as last week we forced him to stand up, resulting in him flapping around like a chicken, or the now-extinct Canadian Neufeld Bird. Drew’s so focused on his movement this week he forgot to change out of his clothes he wears to clean the cesspool.

Theo Tams gets to conclude tonight’s funeral service. Theo tells Gavin I've always liked Bush, and with Theo there's no confusing if he means the band or the genitals. Theo’s doing Weak In The Knees but the weakness isn’t coming from standing up as Canada’s Christopher Reeve is sitting for the sixth week in a row. Theo’s doing his usual thing but has pinned himself into a corner (neatly cleared by VFTW) as if he’s behind the piano for the next two months, the judges will stab him in the back for being boring, but if he stands up, VFTW will flame him mercilessly for being an uncoordinated dork. Theo’s screwed!

Like I said before, CTV may think they’re getting the best of VFTW by giving themes that prevent Mark from dancing but it’s VFTW who’ll be dancing on their grave when we get Mark through over pimped contestants like Amberly. Morons at CTV, you have something special in Mark..VFTW’s buzzing. Newfoundland is ablaze. Chubarama is in the house. Perez Hilton wants more of his Nasty Twin Canadian brother. Let Mark dance or may John Brunton lose all his hair and his stomach become disgustingly bloated…ooops, too late.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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