If you think the economy’s bad or you're concerned about the environment or terrorism, that’s nothing compared to my task tonight as I have to try to find something funny to say about seven pieces of white toast and sausage as it’s Top 7 night on Canadian Idol. It’s a holiday in Canada but there is no rest for the person responsible for greasing up Ben’s hair. Tom Jones is the mentor tonight and will teach our virtually all male cast how to stuff their pants and pick up groupies, but that’s redundant after our Idols met with Jaydee Bixby earlier this season. Jake wants the contestants to step up after being major pussies for 2 months, but not any more than VFTW wants our pick Mark Day to step it up after playing it straight (Well, kind of straight) with an explosion of chubby Newfy Grapeness and Cod cheekiness that’ll have Canada dancing before they pass out drunk on their lawns.

CTV had it with being the laughing stock of the Universe long ago after VFTW has been getting our pick Mark Day through week-after-week so after sabotaging him with Dance-proof themes the past couple of weeks, they now give him the spot of death as he’s up first. And while Mark brings at least a little tranny love by doing a song by Leona Lewis, Mark once again is doing a song that does not allow for dancing or cod cheek shaking. Mark is trying to play it straight, but that is as effective as David Hernandez trying to play it straight as Mark, sans dancing, is just a crappy, fat feminine singer. And while I still blame CTV for holding back Mark (and for everything else wrong in Canada), it’s now time to come down on Mark; stop listening to what John Brunton is telling you, Mark. He’s telling you to play it straight because you at your most Chubby Newfie Grapeness blows away all of his Chosen Ones on the show. Is VFTW talking about Amberly? Never. Is Perez Hilton stealing stories about Earl? I don’t think so. Is Chubarama drooling over Theo Tams? Well, probably, but otherwise, it’s all about Mark Day; Be the chubby grape that you are and screw Brunton’s contestants as you go on to become the biggest star from this year’s show, but only if you Dance! Dance! Dance!, otherwise, may you be as doomed as the winner!.

It’s always all downhill after Mark and in the case of our next contestant Mitch MacDonald, WAY downhill. Tom Jones says that Mitch knows his voice, and VFTW knows it too and we were a lot happier before we did. Mitch is doing Jealous Guy by John Lennon but his singing is more like Yoko Ono. I think Mitch is getting the picture that he’s a whiney bitch so he’s trying things to distract us from his voice; the addition of extra melisma isn’t working. However, wearing crotch hugging red pants is, as Mitch’s physical hideousness is starting to bypass his vocal hideousness. Zack says That was your own interpretation, and it was the wrong one. All the judges have had it with Mitch but they may have to wait one more week; most of Canada is passed out drunk and won’t be able to vote tonight, but in Mitch’s region of Cape Breton, it’s always Drink Till You Pass Out Day as tonight will just be drunken regional voting as usual.

Ben’s fiancé Drew Wright is next. And VFTW’s not the only ones who like to rag on gnome-like Drew as Tom tells him Don’t shortchange the audience. It’s always great when contestants chose a song that really represents them and Drew is doing that tonight to the extreme as he’s doing Creep by Radiohead. And Drew at least listens (as opposed to stupid cow Carly Smithson) as after getting destroyed last week for looking like a troll garbage man, Drew has come out with an entirely new look this week, from the top of his tiny gnome head to the tip of his elfen toes. But what can’t be made over is Drew’s personality as he’s the lovechild of John Denver and Anne Murray.

Theo Tams is next and he’s nervous as hell to meet Tom Jones as the pit stains are showing again. Either that, or he knows that he’s doomed after reading last week’s blog…

…(Theo) has pinned himself into a corner (neatly cleared by VFTW) as if he’s behind the piano for the next two months, the judges will stab him in the back for being boring, but if he stands up, VFTW will flame him mercilessly for being an uncoordinated dork. Theo’s screwed!...

Theo’s doing Joss Stone’s You Had Me and if anyone doubts I’m a man of my word, let me assure you I am, as Theo's standing and his moving around is as graceful as a whale falling off a cliff. Theo’s singing all right, at least what can be heard above the 30 wailing instruments and 10 screeching backup singers. Zack is ready to give more shout-outs to VFTW as he says he was getting bored of Theo playing piano and doing what will guarantee his future and prefers much more when he flops around like a jackass and sabotages any hopes he has of a career.

Mookie Morris is next and he’s hoping the drunken stupor Canada’s been in all weekend will obscure his drunken mumbling tonight. But VFTW’s senses are on full-alert 24/7 lest we miss a naked picture of an Idol contestant. Mookie seems like a nice guy and has probably made a lot of friends on Canadian Idol and gives them a shout-out all at once as he’s doing a song about a tranny, Lola. Tom Jones tells Mookie not to copy the original and do a karaoke version all his own, and Mookie’s doing that as he’s mumbling as only he can. Mookie’s bringing his usual one-dimensional performance, but one dimension is more than half the contestants on this show have.

With Mark being brainwashed by John Brunton, one of the only bits of VFTW fabulousness we can look forward to is a segment with Jully Black, who’s in the house. And the competitive juices are flowing as Jully’s interviewing Earl to see who is the most unintelligible person on this show…

Jully: Word Up, Ben-dizzle. Feelin’ GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! WOOOOOOO! Earl, you got some ink, just like me, Ummmmm-Hmmmmmmmm…

Earl: Uhhhhhhhhhhh….

Jully: Tonight, you gonna drop it like it’s hot?

Earl: Huhhhhh?

Jully: Or maybe like it’s warm Ummmmmm-Hmmmmmmmm. Back to you, Ben. (shakes head, girlfriend!).

Tom Jones is tired of dealing with sausage and his stuffed socks in his pants are starting to move as Amberly Thiessen’s next. Like Theo, Amberly’s tired of VFTW ripping her apart for doing the same thing every week. Little does she know it’s all a VFTW ruse to get contestants out of their comfort zone and sabotage these wannabes’ aspirations. And Amberly’s really changing it up by instead of doing a super-flowery ballad, she’s doing a super-flowery pop-song in Put your Records On. And sitting on a piano is just as boring as drooping behind a guitar as Amberly would need to be drawn and quartered to stretch beyond her limits.

Tom Jones will be performing Tuesday night and will bring almost as much spazfabulousness as tonight’s final contestant, Earl Stevenson. And Tom’s far too nice to say to Earl Holy shit, you’re a stoner so he instead gives him the face he uses for when he bumps into Amy Whinehouse or Britney Spears. And Brunton’s gotten to Earl as he’s starting off his version of Change The World straight (well, pretty straight). Brunton thinks Earl’s attention span is long enough to follow his instructions for his 90 second song, but he’s overestimated by 85 seconds as Earl’s up, headed to cause some mayhem in the audience. And Earl’s not into any of these anorexic girls as he grabs the hand of a fatty in the crowd. Then it’s time to spaz across to the judges’ table, where their looks of amazement are almost equal to Earl’s that he hasn’t fallen down yet. Then it’s time to hop up onto the stage again, where it’s time to Do The Lurch!, but he unfortunately sings the last note like Lurch too. The judges would like to compliment Earl but would prefer to stab VFTW choice Mark Day in the back again even more as Zack says We found 5 of the best unsigned acts in Canada (Not Mark) while Jake names the only four who have any rhythm (not Mark).

While Mark’s singing may not have any rhythm (or masculinity, for that matter) his dancing has all the rhythm to make the entire World unite…Blacks, Whites, Trannies, Chubbies, VFTW, Newfoundland, etc. Brunton had it with Mark (and VFTW) overshadowing his show weeks ago so he has cut off his nose to spite his face and continues to sabotage Mark (tonight by giving him the spot of death) so VFTW doesn’t get the final victory, like we did with American Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe earlier today! But just as Brunton’s ploys haven’t worked over the past two weeks, they won’t work tonight as VFTW is as focused as ever while Canada is getting ready to funnel its final keg of beer down its throat. We can only hope that Mark can somehow break Brunton’s spell and let the three weeks of dancing and cheek shaking now stored up in him explode in one massive Giant Newfie Grape explosion.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment.

__________________________

VFTW's Canadian Idol Blog