While it’s nice having our non-Canadian Worsters along for this trainwreck of a ride known as Canadian Idol 6, it’s time for them to find out why Canada is the lamest country in the World as it’s…hold on to your hats, kiddies…Anne Murray night!!! And our group of four male stoners were so convincing in their rehearsals this week that Brunton’s decided that they’ll be massacring only one Anne Murray song each instead of the originally planned two. Ben asks Sass what she thinks of Four dudes doin’ Anne Murray and she says that Heart has no gender, and neither does Anne Murray. Ben asks Jake if our Idols should prepare differently tonight because they’re doing two songs each instead of the usual one but Jake says They should prepare as normal, meaning that Earl should smoke a pound of weed, Theo should put on a dress and VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald should pump helium up his ass until he’s about to pop.

CTV’s had it with VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald so they’ve placed him in the dreaded first spot, just like they did to Mark Day when they wanted to get rid of him. Anne thinks Mitch is Very endearing, just like a little chipmunk. But Anne might as well end the dry humping here as this adorable chipmunk has lost all its nuts as Mitchmunk is squeaking his way through Cotton Jenny, proving once again that Mitch knows every song the rest of the universe has never heard of. And they’ve never heard of them because THEY SUCK! Jake tells Mitch he was flat off the top, advice our little Mitchmunk will take to heart for his second performance later. Farley wants More edge, wanting Mitch to take it up at least one notch, to the Hannah Montana/Avril Lavigne territory. Worster Zack hits a homerun in trying to find the most boring analogy ever, comparing Mitch to Watching Perry Como sleep on a couch in a sweater, and having Zack on the panel is like having VFTW Founder Dave Della Terza on the American Idol panel sporting a Ponyhawk sitting on a toilet. Zack knows VFTW wants…DEMANDS…more dancing of its pick and goads Mitch that It’s like watching a 1960s TV Show, Mitch Macdonald and The Cape Breton Step Dancers, eliciting our Mitchmunk to scream Look! as he's dancing as all good VFTW choices should, and Zack encourages him to Keep on dancing…All the way home.

Earl Stevenson is next and he’s getting ready in the Pantene Tranny Zone. Anne Murray says Earl Has an innocence, and Anne Murray’s a dumb fuck as Earl’s as innocent as Tommy Lee. Anne says she saw his performance last week and he was totally lost in himself. And she’s looking for trouble as that’s the best place for Earl to be, yet she goads him to actually look at the audience. Earl’s doing Killing Me Softly and, as expected, he’s changing it up…the melody…the rhythm…the harmony…the lyrics…the EVERYTHING! Earl is lurching around and actually looking at the audience. But Anne pushed it too far as that is WAY too much for Earl to focus on, resulting in a Lurch staring blankly at the audience giving a crappy performance, and if that doesn’t say VFTW, I don’t know what does.

And now it's time for my weekly shock treatment as I’m reminded that Drew Wright is still on this show. Anne sees that the guitar is Part of Drew, and unfortunately so is his tiny gnome hairy body. Drew may be looking for VFTW points by doing a song from Hippo In My Tub but until he dresses up in a Banana suit, it ain’t gonna happen. After being told by Jake he looks hideous, Drew’s been changing his look and this week he’s decided to shave…not just his beard, but his apey chest too. Or at least coiffed in a Billy Goat’s beard, which would compliment the vibrato he’s bringing to this song. Zack says I've never heard the Teletubby theme sound so good. Mega Nerdlinger Jake tries to outcool Zack by saying I’ve never heard it, but Zack’s been lurking here too long and can flame with the best and tells fat pig Jake That’s because you are one, you know, the polka dot one, the one who everyone despises and loves sodomy. Ben says he once had a hippo in his tub, and Perez Hilton surely won’t enjoy being referred to in that way.

All good things must come to an end, and pathetic things too, as it’s time for our last Anne Murray song. Theo Tams says that Anne Murray was the music he was looking most forward to doing. Um Theo, we got it three months ago when you came out, when you speak every time, with every drag performance you give of Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. And Anne’s picking up where Zack always leaves off by continuing to infer Theo’s gayness by advising him Do fewer licks; make them Tasty!. Theo’s doing You Don’t Know Me but VFTW knows this lazy fatty well. Theo doesn’t know if he’s coming or going as he’s standing for this performance and I am obliged to mock his pathetically spastic movement, as opposed to when I mock him for sitting down at the piano. And it may be time to drag a bed onto the stage as the usually dependable Theo isn’t bringing it. And he failed to make it tasty as Zack describes it as Radically Flavorless, to which Jake inexplicably says That’s the point, making more like the purple Teletubby with the triangle and purse as he’ll now do anything to defend his love of Theo.

One would think there’s only one way to go after Anne Murray but VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald is ready to prove otherwise. And Mitch is as consistent as the helium spewing out of his mouth as once again he chooses a song no one has ever heard of, SomethingOrTheOther by Whathisface? And Mitch proves that a good song can stand any test, even being performed by a hideous singer. And if there were any doubt, Mitch proves that he has more than enough helium stored in the tank to do two songs as he’s squeakier than ever. Jake respects that Mitch took his advice of not being too flat, to the extent of being grotesquely sharp. Farley still wants more angst and emotion, at least on the Drew Wright level. Zack isn’t sure what’s behind Mitch’s song choices other than he has absolutely no idea how to win Canadian Idol.

After months of being dictated to, Earl finally gets to pick his own song and he’s going to flaunt his full Earlness by doing the ultimate stoner song, Steve Miller’s The Joker. And of course Earl brings his own flavor to this song only as Paul Anka does to the metal classics. And while Earl’s singing may not be building up, his magic finger is, first in a subtle twitch, then to a funky bend, leading to the elbow twitching until he can’t hold back any more until his arm shakes right off his body! Sass has noticed a small twitch in his singing, and VFTW has noticed a massive one in his body. And asshole Jake tells Earl It Felt like you didn’t want to be here, but not a millionth as much as we wish this useless, spiteful fourth judge weren’t.

And despite having seen him 15 minutes earlier, I’m still shocked Drew Wright is still on this show. He’s doing Gravity by John Mayer and Drew’s 2-foot center of gravity is giving no lift to this performance. And while it’s wrong to say white people can’t do the blues, let’s say that pasty white people like Drew can’t, as Farley describes this as a Lighter shade of the blues. Zack says that while One Song can change the World, that one is only going to make it worse...much, much worse.

On what has been the most boring show ever, finally some excitement as we realize it’s the last song of the night! And Theo’s actually doing a song by a man, Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot, unless Gavin DeGraw had a sex change. And while tonight’s blog hasn’t been easy to write, Theo’s helping out as he’s giving us the full fatty spectrum, first by standing earlier, allowing me to mock his painfully awkward stumbling, now by sitting at the piano, allowing me to feature the ass fat hanging over the stool…Theo’s all win! But Theo has had it with VFTW mocking him and he takes the chance of a lifetime, jumping up onto the piano, leaving his fate to gravity’s will. And gravity sucks as the piano miraculously survives this brutal burden but then Theo jumps off of it and my windows are still shaking two hours later. Theo’s doing much better. Too bad he won’t be around to enjoy it after having a heart attack after finally expending an ounce of energy.

To predict that Anne Murray night would suck would be almost as lame as tonight’s show. But not lame enough for Mitch not to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s BY FAR the worst contestant left on this show. He’s stepping up, or perhaps stepping down, his VFTW game every week, this week bringing twice the squeaking, twice the unknown songs and ten times the cluelessness. The show gave Mitch the Death Spot and have obviously had it with him but VFTW’s forces have been mobilized thanks to Mitch, and what an asshole Jake is. Cape Breton is passed out drunk or singing songs no one’s ever heard of so it’s now all up to VFTW as we are only three weeks away from crowning a chipmunk as the next Canadian Idol. VFTW Victory!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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VFTW's Canadian Idol Blog