Dolly Parton night came two seasons too late for Kellie Pickler, but I’ll take this night as an homage to VFTW’s very own Dolly Jr. What am I saying? These people suck, and not in a fun way. We had some actual decent performances tonight, but most were sleep inducing or stereotypical dreck. But I think we all know by now that this show is painful to watch. Who did well and who needs to blow the judges to stick around for Idol Gives Head during the Most.Boring.Season.Ever?

First up is Brooke White with “Jolene.” To be honest, I know almost none of Dolly Parton’s music, so I went and listened to some of her songs before tonight’s show. And “Jolene” was the one of the ones I enjoyed. It has a lot of emotion to it so I knew someone would drain it of its energy tonight. Enter Skeletor. This song is about a woman trying to take your man. So what does Brooke do? She just sits there and blandly sings it with a smile on her face. Does she want someone to take her man away? From the way he sits in the audience and smiles like a dope every week, the two probably don’t have a lot of brain cells between them. I mean, Brooke, you have a terrible voice, but you’ve done some decent performances. This one is sure to land you in the bottom three for sucking so hard… sucking the passion out of a song full of hurt. Randy tells her that she can make a country record but this isn’t the right song. Of course she can. Carmen Rasmusen can make a country record. Anyone on Idol who sucks hardcore but wants to succeed in music makes a country record because there are more idiot country music fans than any other musical genre. Sure, there’s good country music, and fans of country music who know a good tune. But there is a ridiculous amount of pure crap country music that Brooke White could fall easily into. Paula tells Brooke, “You are Brooke White.” She then tells herself, “You are Captain Morgan. ARRRR.” Simon says the song lacked emotion. Wow, an honest critique from Simon? This is new. I don’t expect it to last an entire episode.

The producers go into “save the plant” mode to help David Cook since people have been accusing him of stealing songs. Thus, David gets an entire minute to defend stealing rock versions of songs. To be fair, David wasn’t necessarily a plant in the conventional sense of the other people left minus Ramiele. I don’t believe he had a recording contract. But he’s obviously pimped. If anyone can find evidence of David’s plantiness, please let me know, because something is super fishy here. David does his own arrangement of “Little Sparrow” and now I know why he steals them from other people: his arrangements suck. Not that the singing is that bad, but the version is completely bland. The other arrangements had some merit to them because someone else made them. This one is horse crap. Paula has never heard a guy sing this song. Simon says if he can make a song about sparrows good, then congratulations. This seems like a diss to Carly, because just 2 weeks ago Simon called her an idiot for picking a song about a blackbird. So hey, I’m all about making fun of Carly.

Ramiele Lullaby is third, but always first in boredom. She sings “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” with a complete lack of stage presence. She hits every other note and misses quite a few, mostly because she’s terrible at singing up-tempo music. She’s utterly pointless to have in the competition for any reason except as a VFTW pick. And since she’s not the VFTW pick, I’d be more than happy to see her go home. Though I’d also love to vote for her because she’d have a kick ass caricature. Randy says it was alright. Paula is proud of Ramiele for connecting with the audience. Paula is probably also proud of Jennifer Lopez for the amazing success of Gigli. Simon calls the performance “cruise ship.” No, Simon, you’re mixing up Ramiele with her wonder twin Danny. Danny Noriega is the one who sings on cruise ships. Ramiele is the one who makes you fall asleep.

Jason Castro sings “Travelin’ Thru,” and I’m going to say something I haven’t said in weeks. I liked it a lot (in a non-VFTW way). Yep. See, I’m not heartless, cold, and cruel. This show just sucks and nothing good comes out of it. I can give credit where it’s due. Jason looks like he’s enjoying himself, and he effortlessly sings the melody with a fun mid-tempo acoustic guitar performance. Not too shabby. Randy says it picked up in the middle. Paula calls it one of his strongest batches of weed since he got there. Simon hated it. See? Told you he’d lose his sense of honesty by the end of the show. Looks like Jason’s script is supposed to run out soon according to Simon, so he’ll bash anything he does. But good on you, Jason, for doing something fun. Too bad you invalidated any support VFTW could have given you in the coming weeks.

Carly Smithson decides to tackle “Here You Come Again.” It’s a boring, safe ballad that brings her into Sysleepsha territory. What happened to the fake rocker thing she was poorly stealing from Amanda? Suddenly we’re treated to Celine Smithson again? As Amanda Overmyer, VFTW chile, would say, “Ballads are boring!” Also, Carly looks like total crap because she’s overweight but dresses like she looks like Syesha. Randy says, “This will probably be one of the better performances of the night. I know this because when I recorded with you at MCA records… I mean, dawg dude pitchy.” Paula says Carly looks beautiful. To knock some sense back into her, Simon correctly says Carly looks like a two dollar hooker. What he really says is that she needs to look more like a star. I’m sure if the producers would let him, he would tell her to put down the Twinkies and wear some sleeves for God’s sake! Simon insists that he loves country music but just hates tonight. Not so, Simon. I’ve had the displeasure of watching this shitfest since season two And during all of the past country weeks, you acknowledge that you hate country music and know nothing about it. So don’t pretend you like it now. It’s like Paula pretending to like virgin pina coladas. No one’s buying it.

Lizard Pimpchuleta is up next and decides to sing “Desperado” clone “Smoky Mountain Memories.” To David, the song is about home and family. To me, David picked the first Dolly Parton song with the word “Jesus” in it to cut off Kristy Lee’s fan base at the knees. You bastard! David’s singing is decent, but he whines too much when he hits high notes. It sounds kind of like a mad kitten who wants you to leave it alone but it’s too lazy to move so it just kind of moans an annoying high-pitched noise. Maybe that’s what David does after his dad locks him in his cage at night. Randy calls it the best performance of the night and Simon loves the song choice.

Kristy Lee Cook, VFTW semi-champion, sings “Coat of Many Colors.” She went for the patriotic redneck vote last week. This week it’s all about underpaid America and getting that poor vote. Too bad the fan base she’s calling out to couldn’t pay the phone bill last month and has no way to vote for her. When she shrieks out certain notes, the song is pretty funny, but overall it’s bland like most of the other performances. But even with all of the other sucky singers, Kristy is still completely out of her league and the obvious worst one left. Randy calls country her “wheel house,” whatever that means. Paula says that Kristy looks stunning and that this was her best performance. I think Paula’s “this was your best performance” switch is stuck in the ON position tonight. Next thing you know, she’s going to tell Lil Mama that she has talent. Oh that Paula. Simon says that last week was her best performance and that this week she was pleasant bur forgettable. This is a trick by Simon to get rid of her. If he insults her, people vote for her en masse. If he calls her forgettable, people forget to vote. Sneaky. But hopefully we can pull off a victory for Kristy. If not, it’s no huge loss at all.

I am still boycotting Syesha Mercado’s performances, because she’s still pointless. But I do have to make fun of her attempt to do Dolly Patron’s version of “I Will Always Love You” and her utter failure. Syesha’s performance as heard inside Syesha’s own head as she talks to herself (rewind your Tivos or check out YouTube and watch along for maximum hilarity):

0:11 “I hear a country twang. I am definitely doing the Dolly Parton version of this song. They can’t insult me for singing a Dolly Parton song in Dolly Parton’s style, even if Whitney Houston covered it.”
0:15 “I am singing the Dolly Parton version of this song. I am going out of her way to not do it Whitney style. The judges will love that! I’m such a risk taker.”
0:42 “Hey, this Dolly Parton version is going pretty well. Maybe I’ll throw in a Whitney note. Can’t hurt.”
1:03 “They’re cheering for me! OK, I have to add a few big notes here. This is my moment. A little bit won’t hurt.”
1:15 “OK, a few more Whitney notes. I’m way better at that version. No one will notice if I sneak them in. This is so great!”
1:21 “Fuck this shit, I’m doing the Whitney version.”
1:26 “I’m doing it! I’m doing Whitney!”
1:38 “Now I will hold out a 10 second note. Eat your heart out, Whitney! I mean, Dolly.”

Silly Syesha. She was then ripped apart by the judges. Since next week will not be nearly as funny, I will be back to ignoring her.

Michael Johns is the last performer of the night and he sings “It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right.” The most distracting thing that he does is this dumb bopping motion back and forth during the performance. It makes him like possessed. What are you bopping to, Michael? It’s a slow song with no percussion. Michael’s bluesy voice does come out on this song though, and it sounds decent. Not amazing, but way better than he normally sounds. He does make me regret saying this when he attempts falshitto at the end and fails miserably. Randy calls it blazing hot. Paula says Michael is “a star, a rock star, a blues star, soul… you look gorgeous.” Oh, so it’s the “you look gorgeous” switch that’s stuck now. Can someone please oil Paula Abdul? She hasn’t been lubed up since Corey Clark. Simon says it’s the best he has heard Michael sing. It is, even if I can’t stand the Aussie douchebag.

The bottom 3 will likely be Kristy, Ramiele, and Brooke. Who goes home? Probably Kristy since the producers would love to see our girl go home, but there’s an outside chance on Ramiele. Brooke will cry a lot in the bottom 3, which should at least be good for some screencaps.

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