This show sucks. Thankfully, as one stoner is cast into the ocean, another stone is turned over. Presenting The David Archuleta 2008. He forgets his words and he has an annoying stage dad that will ensure he makes bad decisions to entertain us for months to come.

David Archuleta says that his song picked by Paula, And So It Goes, is a “really pretty song.” He performs it with his eyes closed as always. It has a decent beginning, but his ridiculous melismified ending ruins any semblance of a good performance (luckily for VFTW). David then panders for VFTW votes by completely butchering Chris Brown’s “With You.” First Chris is forced to duet with Jorbacca, then you do this to his song. Why does thy hate Chris Brown so, Idol? Funny how an 18 year old can sing the song and make it seem relevant, while a 17 year old who looks 12 seems completely out of place singing it. To hear David sing “I need you boo” and “Hot little figure, yes you a winner” was awesome enough, but he was completely flat for most of the song and he flubbed his lines for the umpteenth time this season. This truly memorable and terrible performance solidifies David’s place in VFTW history. Lastly, the producers picked “Longer” for him. The vocal was decent and it was easily better than his other 2 performances, but it was ridiculously slow and pointless.

The judges overall didn’t like David as much tonight as they normally do. With good reason of course, because he was bad. But he wasn’t that much worse than normal. It’s just that it’s about time for the judges to throw David under the bus so Cook can win and so they don’t have to deal with Stage Dad anymore. Simon called “And So It Goes” a bit predictable. Simon also called “With You” a bit like a “Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.” But Chihuahuas at least utter cute catch phrases like, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” Simon also says, “I thought it was all a bit awkward with the dancing.” Ah yes, the dancing. Go back and watch Gaspy swivel his hips for the entire performance like only a 17 year old white kid can. It’s much funnier the second and third time around. The judges didn’t mind his version of “Longer”, but they all criticized the producers for picking such a stupid song. Remember judges, the producers give you your paychecks. Not that I mind of course. The producers truly are idiots who are out of touch with what the public likes. Case in point: They think the public still likes American Idol.

Syesha Mercado is given the 2nd spot, and she does all she can to be as unmemorable as possible. First, she is given her song choice while in a limo, because no fans showed up to cheer her on. Sad. Her choice from Randy is “If I Ain’t Got You”, also known as the same exact song she sang on that awful show The One. This version is definitely an improvement on the last time she did it, but it’s the same boring thing we always see from her. Her choice of song is “Fever.” It’s actually a decent performance, with Syesha slutting it up on a chair to try to get votes. You work that vagina, girl. Now practice it again with no clothes on and welcome to your post-Idol career! Honestly though, the vocals were good, but the sexuality seemed a little forced. Syesha then ruined any momentum she had gained by sucking it up on “Hit Me Up.” I’ve never seen such an uptempo song performed with such little energy. It’s as if she just doesn’t care to move around much. Also, her singing is completely out of tune, verging on painful. VFTW victory! She decides to fake a Southern accent in and out for the entire night too, maybe to trick Southern people into voting for her? Or does she actually have a Southern accent, but since she's talked like 2 times ever on the show, I never noticed. Either way, it's odd.

It’s now time for the judges to throw Snoreesha under the bus. And… go! Paula told Syesha that it’s difficult to sing a song from an identifiable artist like Alicia Keys, so she didn’t like the choice of “If I Ain’t Got You.” Too bad Syesha didn’t pick it, ya boozehound. Randy’s feedback after Syesha’s chair dance was, “I’m surprised you picked this song, I’m not sure it shows me who Syesha is as an artist.” That’s because Syesha isn’t an artist. She’s an entrant in a bad karaoke competition. But seriously, the judges ripped her apart for “Fever” and it was actually kind of good. Could it be more obvious who they don’t want in the finals? Or did Syesha tank in the dress rehearsal, since we know the judges don’t pay attention to these things and base their notes on the dress rehearsal. Paula then sticks the knife in and twists it around after Syesha’s last performance, saying, “I don’t know if it defines Syesha as an artist. I don’t think it’s good enough to get into the finals of American Idol.” Way to parrot Randy. But again, how can you criticize Syesha for not relating to a song she didn’t pick? This is ridiculous. Simon tells her “it didn’t give you the defining moment I would have liked for you at the end of the show.” Could the producers just once let America decide who they want in the finals? Maybe Syesha deserves it. Maybe she doesn’t. But to completely decimate her like this to make sure the voting goes a certain way makes the show look pathetic. It almost makes me feel bad for Syesha. Then I remember how bored I was and I stop caring.

He of the Gigantic Noggin is in the pimp spot, probably because the producers want him to win. First he tackles “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” due to a request from Simon. His goat vibrato is on display much more than normal when he’s singing soft, so this sounds pretty terrible. Then when he starts screaming at the end and performing odd convulsions, I pray that this is the last time ever I’ll see his face. David’s choice is “Dare You to Move”, and it’s even worse than his first performance. It’s by far David’s weakest in weeks. The entire verse is tentative, shaky, and full of even more goat vibrato than the first song. It’s also incredibly off key. When he starts screaming, he kind of saves it a little, but not much. The songs also seem much shorter than normal tonight. Are they singing less or are the arrangements really just that much poorer than normal? Lastly, the producers pick “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”, and David finally does a decent job. His vocals are much much better than anything else he attempted tonight or that anyone else attempted tonight. Even though it’s not great, but again, shit on a stick seems excellent next to shit without a stick.

The judges have their notes and they’re ready to make sure David is on his way to the crown. Simon calls his first performance, “One of your best performances to date. You take risks, it was original, round one goes to Cook and Cowell.” Way to put yourself in there when no one cares about you, Simon. Randy correctly says that David’s second performance “wasn’t your best. A little pitchy, baby.” Of course it was also probably his worst, but the pimping cannot reveal this. Oddly, Randy insults David’s last performance, probably because he’s reading his dress rehearsal cue cards from the second performance. Paula and Simon love it, and Paula gives him a spot in the finals. Why do the producers suddenly let Paula make these calls? She can barely pick out matching outfits. At least let the boobed Brit do it. He sounds slightly more convincing.

Who’s gone? Syesha. But there’s an outside chance on Gaspy. And boy would that be hilarious. I don’t even care that he’s the VFTW pick. If he sticks around, he’s the obvious runner up in the finals and the judges will need to insult him big time to make him lose votes. If he goes, his fans will blame VFTW for “cursing him” and they will send us tons of hate mail. Either way, we win, and it could be funny. Who am I kidding? This is never funny. I’ll settle for semi-fun. Maybe slightly not boring? Thank God this show is almost over. Any top 24 next year has to be better than this one.

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